Do Your Kids Use the Internet? Parents be Warned.

If you have teenage children who regularly use the computer to connect to the Internet, you should read this post. If you know of other parents who don't know much about computers, please send them the link.

I have been online before the Internet was popular. There is very little that my kids can get past me in regards to the computer, but even I was caught unawares.

I, like a lot of other parents, regularly look over the kid's shoulder when they are online to see what is going on. I check their "buddy lists" in AOL instant messenger (AIM) to make sure that I know all of the kids on it.  I read some of the messages that they get and they send. I tell you, "IMspeak" or chat abbreviations, the practice of using abbreviations rather than full words has really matured since I was a regular user. This has developed because most kids are not great typists, but more on that in another post.

Some examples of chat abbreviations:

• POS = parent over shoulder
• LOL = laughing out loud (this is old)
• BBL = be back later (old)
• SUP = what's up
• :) = smile (turn the image on its side -- old)
• ;) = wink (again, turn the image on its side -- old)

Well, the stuff that my daughter says in her messages that I have seen is benign, but I found a couple of instances of "vulgar" words in my daughter's Instant Messenger profile, and I immediately took action. (A profile is a description that users can click on to learn more about that person. If you click on someone in their "buddy list" and then click on the "info" button below, you should be able to see the profile.)

First, I asked her about how this got there. I then told her that what was in her profile was not private, it is very public. She told me that kids say "way worse" in school, and that she doesn't do that in school. I tried to explain the difference between a spoken conversation (gone immediately and only able to be heard by the people present) and a profile, a mechanism that declares who you are even when you aren't present.  I told her that,

"this profile gives a picture of you for all the world to see, including other parents, including the parents of the boy that you have a crush on. Everything you write should be able to be spoken out loud in your classroom in front of your teachers and your peers without embarrassment."

I then proceeded to look at all of her friends' profiles to demonstrate this fact.

Next step was to have her go over her profile and tell me what was inappropriate. She could very easily do that and she quickly edited the content. We have two computers in the house, so she had to edit the content on both computers because the profile actually resides on each computer. So if you happen to look at your child's profile and he or she changes it, it must be changed on all the computers that your child uses.

Through other programs, kids can easily make links in their profile to additional content on websites that they might be using like xanga or livejournal. One of her friends had two personal blog sites with jaw dropping content, including a picture and the name of her school. THIS IS DANGEROUS! These kids feel so safe typing away in  their home that they aren't practicing elementary online safety rules, and the parents don't know enough to check it out.

One of her close friends, a girl who frequently comes over and whose parents are not technically savvy, also had a few vulgar words. I called the girl up and told her what I had seen as well. She changed it.

Now, how do you find out what is in your child's profile? Next time they are on the computer, ask them to see it. If they say it is private, tell them that it isn't, anyone can see it. This is their first mistake -- thinking that it is private. Ask them if they use xanga, livejournal or another personal journal or blog site. Ask to see it. Again, if they say it is private, explain that this isn't a private diary locked in a room, this is available for the world to see, including other parents.

If you want to double check, simply use the "history" function in your browser. If you use Internet Explorer, then it is the little sundial icon. The sites that have been visited on the computer should then be visible. Click a couple of the links. Or, you could go to Google and type in site:www.xanga.com  and then a list of search words:

site:www.xanga.com  (your town)

site:www.livejournal.com (your town)

Then, depending on how unique your town's name is, you can add other things like first name, interests, etc. to narrow the list.

Now, in xanga, it may be difficult to see the actual sites. Livejournal is easier. When you get a result in Livejournal based on the town input, you should go to a url that has a lot of random information about that user, but it doesn't have the actual postings of that user. To see the postings, you have to change the url in the address box.

The url convention is http://www.livejournal.com/users/PersonsUserName (don't click this.) This just means if you do a search on your hometown and the first name and something comes up in livejournal and you want to see the posts and not just the user information, then you just change the url in the address bar from

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=PersonsUserName&mode=full to the following url: http://www.livejournal.com/users/PersonsUserName

(you take out userinfo.bml?, change user to users, take out the = sign, make users plural, put in a slash, and take out &mode=full) and you will get the page with the posts. The PersonsUserName is whatever comes up in the address that you click. This will change depending on whose livejournal you are seeing on the screen.

If something is deleted, then you can go back to the Google search page and click the "cached" link next to the entry. This cached link shows that the content is still on Google's computers so you can access it, even though it might technically be deleted at the original location.

Anyhow, even if you just take a look at some of the personal journals, I think it will open up your eyes. It did mine.

If you find out something new because of this post, please let me know. If you found something disturbing, I'd love to know how you handled it.

My daughter asked me why I was always prying into her life now... I told her that she would make mistakes, but my job as a parent was to teach her to weigh the short and long term; teenagers often only focus on the short term.

Comments

[Marie]

I respect your rights as a parent to watch over your children as you see fit, but you can't protect your daughter from everything. She needs to have enough room to make her own mistakes, find things out for herself-- because she won't learn if you won't let her, and you may severely damage your relationship with her by being too intrusive. My mother is a lot like you, and I know that I don't have any regrets about not living with her anymore. I look forward to leaving the area and never having to bother with her again, because all she did was hinder my growth when I was with her -- and I lost valuable time that could have been spent learning the important things in life. Go ahead and tell your daughter what is dangerous or inappropriate and why, because that's a good thing to do -- but don't rob her of her childhood.

[John C.]

I can respect you wanting to have your daughter stay out of trouble as would any parent, but there are limits. Seeing what you posted looked very scary at first because 1)You actually take the time to go through her friends' profiles, which is very invasive and go through her conversations.
2) I'm sure as a teenager you didn't want your Mom to know exactly what you were doing all of time time.
3) Kids learn from mistakes, so let them make them.

You took it way too far when you went through all of her personal Instant Messages and actually called her friend. I see that you don't know how embarrassing this may have been to her. To be completely honest I feel bad for your daughter because she has no privacy. When you do these things to children once they turn 18 they get tattoos, piercings in places you never thought of, and many more grotesque things than having a "bad word" in an instant message. I hope you take this to heart.
-John C.